On Hair, Guinea Pigs, and Cosmic Injustice.

Posted on February 19, 2014

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I have a serious beef with Mother Nature.

lies . . . all lies

lies . . . all lies

I have long reconciled with the fact I will never have blindingly shiny Pantene® hair that flows in graceful sweeps, even on the most windless of days. So many false promises. I had held on to hope for a long time, reasoning that since I’m marginally Asian, I would one day wake up with silky black locks cascading like a majestic waterfall at midnight. This has yet to happen and I’ve come to terms with its unlikelihood. But then I made a discovery that has left me feeling utterly indignant about my own genetic failings. It’s one thing to feel follicley inept when comparing my hair to that of the people on shampoo commercials. But it is entirely another coming to the realization that a whole species of rodent puts my inadequate mane to horrible, horrible, shame.

0581-BOB-Peruvian-Satin-RedYeah, that isn’t people hair. Or a high quality wig. Or some sort of exotic mop. But rather an insanely fabulous, Vidal Sassoon endorsement worthy, Peruvian Guinea Pig. And it makes me very, very angry. Just look at those luscious strawberry blonde locks.

042335996_042251935b182702174c9fabcef8c7092d92a04a5efab4104What about this guy? This is the shiny black hair of my dreams on a walking cottonball. I can’t help but feel a bit robbed. What possible purpose could this have in nature, other than to torment me?

Check out those glorious side bangs.

Check out those glorious side bangs.

Or this fabulous little brunette fluffball with subtle natural golden highlights. He doesn’t even have to try and it isn’t fair.

Peruvian Satin Guinea Pig 01[5]Some are even endowed with fantastic dye jobs. For free. What. The. Heck.

Elegant.

Elegant.

Or top-notch perms, if you are into that sort of thing.

long_haired_pigI am most indignant about this dude’s lovely flowing beach waves. I mean, come on.

#nofilter

#nofilter

Evidently, they even take better selfies than me. Look at him, all mysterious and brooding. Geez, I’m so pissed off but I also really really want to squeeze it because they’re cute and that just makes me more mad. I don’t know how I feel anymore.

At least I can find some solace in the fact that not all of the Guinea Pig brethren are blessed with the flowing silken locks of the gods.

16I feel your pain little buddy. Solidarity.

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