Entry-Level, Min. 5+ yrs. Exp.

Posted on January 24, 2014

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JOB DESCRIPTION

Prestigious, well-known company you’ve never heard of with vague web description seeks desperate and disenchanted sap to join our team! Fantastic opportunity for candidates willing to abandon personal dreams for the semblance of a lucrative career in a field entirely unrelated to their interests because, lets face it, those bills won’t pay themselves.


Responsibilities:

  • Assist day-to-day operations in a fast-paced office environment. By that we mean wait in line at Starbucks during the morning rush and receive chastisement for your inability to make the baristas barist faster. Expect extra berating if your boss’s Vanilla Soy Latte isn’t Skinny.
  • Collaborate with staff to develop and implement innovative client engagement plans. More specifically, engage in mundane water cooler conversation with Madge from HR about her most recent disastrous eHarmony date and speculate as to why the men she meets always insist on trying on her shoes.
  • Create a consistent voice, tone, and message across all modes of communication. In other words, try not to spontaneously combust while spending two hours on the phone with a disgruntled client who is flabbergasted by your ineptitude and insists that a diseased warthog could preform your job more adequately while you calmly try to explain you are not personally authorized to refund his credit card transaction and if only he would allow you to transfer him to the payments and processing department the issue could be resolved.
  • Heavy scheduling and conference management. Or the reason your boss is late for that important meeting even though you sent several reminders, but he was having lunch at the country club and goddammit, why didn’t you schedule it for later in the afternoon?
  • Analyze and evaluate existing and potential outreach strategies determining effectiveness, ie. is interrupting potential clients with survey requests during dinner enough, or should we also be calling during breakfast?ย 
  • Various other superfluous tasks and thankless, mind-numbing errands aiding to the continued atrophy of your creative spirit.


Qualifications:

  • Bachelor’s degree required (Business, Communications, Marketing or related field). Better yet, Master’s degree since your BA is essentially the new High School diploma. Disregard the fact your ample education is irrelevant to the position.
  • 5+ years in a similar role in a mid-level corporate environment because while you were pursuing your Master’s degree you somehow still had time for full-time employment with a well-regarded company that inexplicably did not require 5+ years experience.
  • Ridiculously thorough knowledge of the functions of the company despite the fact your own menial job functions could likely be performed by a well-trained circus chimp.
  • Ability to work in a fast-paced, high-pressure environment with ever changing deadlines and contradictory expectations from multiple superiors who don’t give a damn, it’s your fault.
  • Ability to work full-time, nights, weekends, holidays, overtime, in your sleep, and the acceptance that a social life is something purely mythical.
  • Highly organized self-starter with a great head of hair. No baldies.
  • Must be attractive, but not threateningly so. Think Kate Winslet or young Alec Baldwin.
  • Must be proficient with Word, Outlook, Excel, and be fun at parties.
  • Must be proficient at at least two of the following: juggling, scuba diving, origami, or crocheting. Knitting will be considered as a substitute for the right applicant.
  • No attached earlobes. Second toe also may not exceed length of big toe on either or both feet.
  • Must have or be currently pursuing a black belt in either Judo or Taekwondo.
  • Must posses an extensive knowledge of catamaran sailing.
  • Must be a concert level pianist.
  • Must be fluent in at least one dead language.
  • Must know Mom’s secret snickerdoodle recipe.
  • Experience with Photoshop a plus.

Send inflated resume and hyperbolized/overly-enthusiastic cover letter to our HR department and hope it is not filtered as spam. Position temporary with potential for permanent placement if you are deemed defeated enough. We are an equal-opportunity employer according to our attorneys.

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Posted in: Life, Work